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Self-Love, Confidence & Dating w/ Dating Coach Krystle Hearley

Krystal J [00:01:07]:

Today we have the incredible Krystle Hearley. She is a confidence and dating coach, a writer, a speaker, a licensed psychotherapist, so many amazing things that she's doing, and I'm so excited to have her today and dive into all of that. So, first and foremost, Krystlel, thank you so much for joining us today.

Krystle H [00:01:26]:

Thank you so much for having me.

Krystal J [00:01:28]:

I am so excited because you're the first dating coach that we've had on our podcast. So I'm really excited to dive into all the ins and outs of that. But go ahead and just give us a little bit of background. Tell us what led you to doing what you do today, and also, where are you from? Because our podcast has definitely been expanding to a lot further than just the Bay Area. So where are you joining us from today to start.

Krystle H [00:01:55]:

I'm joining you from upstate New York, and it's very dark here, so hopefully I got the lighting okay so it doesn't look like it's too dark.

Krystal J [00:02:03]:

No, it looks great. You look great. Okay. So tell us about your background and how that led you to being a confidence and dating coach.

Krystle H [00:02:11]:

Sure. So I never wanted to get my master's degree. I think it's a funny story. I got my bachelor's in psychology, and I was like, I never want to go back to school. And I very quickly realized many that have their bachelor's in psychology that it only opens entry level doors. So then I was like, you know, I have to consider getting my masters. And then I read this one... what was the description? In a college catalog for mental health counseling.

Krystle H [00:02:45]:

I was like, this is what I'm meant to do. And I didn't look for any other programs or anything. I signed up, I got in. So I got my master's degree in mental health counseling. And, you know, really from there I found that I connect with women in their late twenties that are dating and keep repeating some unhealthy patterns and feel like they're attracting the wrong men. And we really work on their confidence, and I help them see, like, red flags they might be missing and stuff. And I was seeing that theme in my therapy practice. So that's, long story short, that's what made me jump over to the dating coaching.

Krystal J [00:03:43]:

Yeah, I was going to ask if that was kind of just something that just, like, you just happened to see and would come up in your conversations while you're dealing just generally with mental health. But you saw that pattern with dating.

Krystle H [00:03:56]:


Krystal J [00:03:57]:

Okay. So with you personally, I feel like we have to ask this question, right? So what is your love life looking like at this moment?

Krystle H [00:04:07]:

Well, at this moment, I'm married for almost five years, happily married. But that is just my recent past. Like, before that. I mean, everything that I talked to with my clients, I can relate to them so much. And my journey with self-esteem and confidence and finding love, I think has helped me do this work because it has not been easy. I was in the dating scene for well over 15 years. And actually I was in the Marine Corps straight out of high school and got married and divorced all before the age of 21. So I've had some ups and downs in the dating world.

Krystal J [00:05:00]:

So what was your journey like? I mean, I feel like, I'm sorry to keep prying into your personal business, but I feel like we have to, right, with this background. So did you have, during all of those years dating, did you ever, at certain points, have different theories or practices in place? Kind of like almost like the opposite of how to lose a guy in ten days, but like, how to win a guy in ten days, right? Were you following any kind of methodologies like that to see if, okay, this is what I need to do to find love.

Krystle H [00:05:34]:

That's a great question. One thing that I did find myself doing that I think is different than what many women do is I was very quick to say goodbye to a guy to be like, nope. I just know this is not going anywhere. And I was very quick to say goodbye. Now that I'm on the other side of things, I totally think that philosophy played a role in finding a man. That does make me happy that we are compatible, that I'm not sacrificing things. So I do think that that played a role. And it's funny that you mentioned that because I do kind of encourage clients to play games a little bit.

Krystle H [00:06:27]:

And I don't mean dating games, like, we have to wait three days to text them back. But what I do mean is, like, walk to the car slowly. If it's important to you that a man opens your door for you, walk to the car slowly and see what he does. Like, set up situations to see how the person's going to behave. Because you want to know everything you can about a person as soon as possible.

Krystal J [00:06:58]:

Do you think, I mean, even though you've kind of been in that routine of, you know, saying goodbye to men pretty early on, that can also be kind of a negative thing, right? If you're saying goodbye too early or you're self-sabotaging almost., right? You're trying to find all of these things that are wrong, that really aren't that big of a deal. So how do you make that differentiation between, like, yes, you need to leave this person, and, no, you're kind of just nitpicking, give it a shot.

Krystle H [00:07:29]:

Totally. And that totally happens. That's something I noticed I did tend to do is, like, when I was losing interest in a person, I would start nitpicking everything. But now that I'm in a happy relationship, it's like that naturally doesn't happen. But I would say, ask yourself, could I deal with this behavior or this trait or this situation? Could I deal with this for the rest of my life? If this was never going to change, is this something that I could learn to accept? And I think that makes it pretty clear whether to stay or go.

Krystal J [00:08:12]:

I think that's such a great way to reframe it and to really look at the longevity of a relationship and recognize when you're kind of just looking at little things in the present day and not really thinking about long term, what do you see your life like? What do you see your relationship like? But what I love about what you do is that you still focus on the mental health of the individual that you're helping, right? Not necessarily always who are they dating and picking them apart and trying to figure out what traits work for that individual. But how do you work with your actual client? And what steps do you take with them first in order to help them find that kind of unconditional love? Like, what do they need to have within themselves first?

Krystle H [00:08:55]:

My most favorite activity to do with a client is a values activity, because it really helps someone see what their priorities are in life and if they're living in alignment with them. And then it makes it very clear if someone else is living with different priorities. And even though we don't have to be similar with others in every way, when we're aware of what's important to us, that can really enhance our life to begin with and that concept of, like, we need to make ourselves whole, like, we're not looking for someone else to fill a hole in us. That starts across that kind of concept like, I'm trying to help make clients feel whole before they even date another person, which is so, so, so important.

Krystal J [00:09:43]:

And I love that you're doing that work. I have to ask, do you come across clients that are hesitant to do that, or do they already kind of know what they're getting into beforehand, right? Because I'm assuming there's probably some people that are like, I didn't come here to you for, like, the inner work. I just want a man. Help me find a man.

Krystle H [00:10:08]:

Yes. I try to make it very clear that my approach is to do the inner work. Like, if you're looking for what to say to a man on the first date and, like, go down a bullet list, that's not my expertise. My expertise is to help a woman feel whole, feel confident. And then you trust yourself more, too, to make maybe even if you did meet someone and it didn't work out, like, you're building the skills to trust yourself, to know when you do find that unconditional love, to be confident that you have found it.

Krystal J [00:10:50]:

And what are the steps that someone can take to start trusting themselves? Because even, you know, aside from dating, that in and of itself is huge, just in life, in all of these decisions that you're making on a daily basis, on a long-term basis, being able to trust yourself, that is a hard place to get to. So how do we get there?

Krystle H [00:11:14]:

Great question. And that's why, you know, I am a dating coach, but I hesitate to drop the confidence part because it is so much confidence work. And even if someone isn't ready to date or they just want to work on themselves in a confidence arena, like, this is what I love to do, is to help people with their confidence. So one way that I really think that people can learn to trust themselves more is reflection. And I don't just mean like, journaling and getting in touch with my thoughts, but say, I can't decide whether to go out to a party tonight or stay in. Like, I really want to stay in, but I know it would be important for me to go to the party for some reasons, somehow. Make a note, make a post it note. I love visual cues.

Krystle H [00:12:10]:

After the party or after you stay home that next morning, reflect on whether you made the right decision or not and why the decision you made was good for you. Like reflecting on, I made a decision and it went well. That is how you can start to develop this trust in yourself.

Krystal J [00:12:33]:

That's such a great tip, because you're already putting it into practice, right?

You don't need to have already developed that trust for you to start making decisions. That is already a part of the process and a big part of the self reflection and being very self aware and being able to look at yourself in that kind of light and have a really honest look at your decisions and whether or not they're fitting for what you want in your life.

Krystle H [00:13:05]:

We can take things for granted. Like, something can go really well, but then we're on to the next thing. Like, taking a moment to be like, hey, that actually went really well, can do wonders for our confidence and trust in ourselves.

Krystal J [00:13:18]:

Right. And that's also kind of going back to overlooking all of the big things, right? Because we're paying attention to all these little things that are bothering us in the moment. And we're starting to nitpick not even just our partners or who we're dating at the time, but even ourselves.

Krystle H [00:13:33]:


Krystal J [00:13:34]:

That totally prevents us from getting to that point of trust and self-love and self-belief to put ourselves out there.

Krystal J [00:14:35]:

So for I'm assuming another thing that you really work on is deserving this, right? How do you deal with people that come to you and say, I mean, am I even worthy of love? Like, is it me? What do you say to them?

Krystle H [00:14:52]:

So I have a very strong stance on this, and I don't know what kind of response I'll get from this, but I believe that even people that have murdered someone, you know, deserve something in life. Like, for the simple fact that we are human beings and that we were put on this earth. Someone loved us. We have loved someone. We gave something to this world. At some point, we don't know all of the history behind a person who has done some wrong. Like, I totally believe in consequences and people make their bed and they have to lie in it. But what I'm saying is that we are, we all deserve it at a very foundational human being level.

Krystle H [00:15:39]:

And that's what I try to get people to start to tap into. Like, I deserve happiness. Take Krystle away, take my name away, take my title away, take my accomplishments away, take my family away. Just as a human being living and breathing. Like, I deserve this. And that's a simplistic way of looking at it. But that's the approach I try to take to get people to feel like they deserve it.

Krystal J [00:16:13]:

That is a very strong stance.

Krystle H [00:16:15]:

Yeah, right. I know.

Krystal J [00:16:18]:

It did take me aback for a second. But I completely understand where you're coming from, and that really is an opportunity for us to practice empathy and to recognize exactly what you said. We don't know what this person's background is that may have led them to this point of violence or mistrust in other people, and they could have just been missing that love as they were growing up and throughout their life. And they don't know what that's like, but that doesn't mean that they're not deserving of it. I love that so much. So how does the work that you're doing with your clients really apply to just more than just their dating? Have you been able to see this really incredible trickle effect into other aspects of their lives?

Krystle H [00:17:04]:

Absolutely. People leave jobs that they've been unhappy with forever. You know, because of the trust thing. Like, they're afraid of failing. And we get to the point that we can trust that they're going to be okay to believe in themselves and to kind to move away from that all or nothing thinking, like, if. If I don't do this, I'm a failure thinking. And I see it a lot in the professional world, probably the most outside of dating.

Krystle H [00:17:38]:

I see it affect their work life the most because they're able to, you know, we may put our bosses and people that have been at a job on a pedestal, and when we start to realize that we are coworkers, we're in school, we're students, we have to look up to a teacher we have - they have complete authority. If they say we're wrong, we're wrong. Don't question the teacher. And that is part of how we grow up. And then as an adult renewing in the professional world, we can have that same mentality towards our bosses and our older coworkers and just having confidence in yourself. Imposture syndrome, overcoming imposter syndrome. It all goes together.

Krystal J [00:18:28]:

I love it. I have to ask, do you end up getting invited to, like, all of these weddings and engagements and things like that? Do you end up being able to meet these partners that you help pair up?

Krystle H [00:18:43]:

No. But I do have a metric to follow up with people to ensure that they are actually still together, because we're not working together forever. So I want to know, like, that it really does last. But I have one friend. She says she wants to be my biggest success story, and she wants to sponsor her wedding. Like, she wants to give a gift card as a favor to all of her people. And she wants me to give a lecture and stuff. I was like, that's amazing.

Krystal J [00:19:16]:

I love that. How funny. What a great client. And so is she engaged now? Are we there?

Krystle H [00:19:25]:


Krystal J [00:19:25]:

No, not yet. Okay.

Krystle H [00:19:27]:

Well, she's doing the work really well.

Krystal J [00:19:30]:

Okay, so that leads me to my next question. So what about the clients that you have that haven't found that unconditional love yet, or they're still going through this process. I want to turn it into kind of your entrepreneurial mindset and journey now. When your clients may or may not be succeeding in that regard. Like, they just haven't found that love yet. I'm not saying that, you know, obviously the work that you're doing is not working because you might still be seeing all those little things happening elsewhere, like in their work life, in their personal life. But how do you kind of deal with that. And I asked this question just for really any coaches that are listening. Like, even if you feel so strongly in what you're doing, but your clients are still struggling to get the results, what does that look like for you? What does that feel like? And what are the next steps to keep going?

Krystle H [00:20:27]:

So I do get invested, you know? Of course I want them to find their love while we're working together. When they're not able to find love before we decide to part ways, I have to think about what I would tell myself or a friend in real life. Like, it takes time, you know. We don't know when your time is right, but trusting the process and from the professional side of things. They are clients. They're not my family. So they tell me things the way they want. They tell me what they want me to know, you know. Someone has to be very truthful with themselves in order to be truthful with a coach, and I'm here to support them. This is really hard. It's the truth, but it's hard to internalize. It's like, I'm a support for someone.

Krystle H [00:21:41]:

I'm not here to fix it for them. I'm here to help them. So that's kind of where I have to go back to if it's not happening as fast as either of us would like. Because I want it to happen fast for them.

Krystal J [00:21:54]:

Absolutely. So, what does success really look like to you? What is your mission with what you're doing?

Krystle H [00:22:04]:

I like to say that I'm on a mission to help every woman believe in herself, one woman at a time. This world would be transformed if all the incredible women I knew knew that they were incredible. Like, I just want people's voices to be loud. I want us to make moves, be happy. Be happy. Is this success? You know, during our work together, maybe they're going to fall in love with themselves and not feel as lonely or eager to be in a relationship because they realize they enjoy themselves and they want someone to complement their life rather than complete it.

Krystal J [00:22:49]:

I love that so much. Even though you are a dating coach, right, by title, that is like, just the biggest cherry on top, to be able to come out of it and say, I love myself, like, I found the best relationship of all. That's incredible. So, what have been some of your biggest obstacles in really growing your business? And I'm assuming with what you do, you really have to get to a place where you're very comfortable with yourself and with sharing your story and all of the ups and downs of your relationship. Because even though you're happily married for several years now, there has to have been, you know, some low times that you've had to endure as a couple as well, right?

Krystle H [00:23:33]:

Yes, absolutely.

Krystal J [00:23:35]:

So what was that like for you, starting to really open up and share your story?

Krystle H [00:23:42]:

Well, it is an ever-evolving process. Like, how much am I comfortable sharing? Do I share this, etcetera? And the biggest obstacle I've had, you know, it goes back to, you know, I mentioned the student teacher relationship. Like, that's how our culture just, like, ingrains that in us. And another thing that I've noticed that was ingrained in me was this: A relationship is a partnership. Like, you guys both bring what you bring to the table.

Krystle H [00:24:19]:

It's even like you're equals. Like, do your part kind of thing. And for this business, I really had to lean on my husband and figure out how to be okay with, you know, if not making money every single day, you know, it's an investment versus a nine to five where you're getting a paycheck. And it has taught me a lot about my relationship with my husband. Like, so knowing that, too, things are going to change, even when you do meet someone. And you have to figure out how to get through the obstacles with him or her sooner than later, because the obstacles are never going to go away. There's going to be obstacles for the rest of your life.

Krystal J [00:25:12]:

So how long have you been doing what you're doing?

Krystle H [00:25:16]:

I've been a therapist since 2014. I've been doing this for about a year.

Krystal J [00:25:23]:

Okay. Even better. So I love that. So, obviously, diving into a new thing, that can really change the dynamics of a relationship, right? And communication is really key in that.

Krystal J [00:25:37]:

So, especially with what you're doing as a dating professional and having to really be able to share certain parts of your life, both of your lives, how do you draw those boundaries with business and with your personal life?

Krystle H [00:25:57]:

Communication. Talking to my husband, which I also love, talking. All things communication. And it goes in with confidence. It goes in with dating. But whenever I'm thinking about if I might be crossing a boundary, we talk about it. Like, I lay it out there, so we get to decide as a married couple. And thankfully, I didn't rush into a marriage with someone that I settled for. Like, I have a husband that has been so incredibly supportive of me, and it's just, like, it makes it that much easier. Like, waiting and not rushing. Like, he is the one that's supposed to help me through this.

Krystal J [00:26:41]:

That makes me so happy to hear it, you know, within my own relationship as well, we've definitely gone through this growth phase, and figuring out how each other communicates was a huge part of that. And now we've gotten to a place where we do know, you know, the proper ways to communicate with each other so that we are showing up for each other and being supportive in whatever it is the other person wants to do. So I love that for you. I love hearing that.

Krystle H [00:27:11]:

I love that for you.

Krystal J [00:27:13]:

Thank you. So what are some of your tips for the women listening to really start taking charge of their own lives and not settling. And this can be for dating, just for their own mental health, for their work life, anything. Can you give us a few tips of what they can start doing from this point forward?

Krystle H [00:27:37]:

Of course. Sure. The list is endless. When you say that, there's two things that come to my head. First, I like to tell women to date themselves. Whatever they would want to do for another person, treat themselves with that same kind of love and care. Like, if you would go out of your way to cook a nice meal for someone, do that for yourself, you deserve that same kind of love and consideration.

Krystle H [00:28:14]:

So that's one thing. Date yourself. And the other thing is that words are really powerful. And again, I talk about that in context of how you talk to yourself. Our thoughts are comprised of words. So when we say, like, oh, I look fat in this, that hurts. Would I want a friend to say that to me? Would I say that to a friend? So why do I treat myself worse than I would treat a friend? I should at least be on a friend level with myself and eventually, like, love myself unconditionally. That's the goal. So if I think I look fat in something, one exercise I like to tell a woman to do is to look in the mirror and look at your problem areas and tell that area what you're grateful for, how it has helped you. So, like, for me, this is to be transparent. I have been diagnosed with migraines, like, 15 years ago, and it's still a thing for me.

Krystle H [00:29:28]:

And I've gained weight, and I don't exercise as much as I used to, and I was in the marine corps, so, like, I was in some pretty good shape. So I look quite different now, and I feel like I have terrible cellulite on my thighs. And that's something I like to say that out loud. Because that doesn't mean I'm not confident myself. Like, that's something I notice about myself, but I'm more accepting of it. I can look at myself in the mirror and being like, you know, my body is still letting me get up every day. I'm still able to walk because of these legs.

Krystle H [00:30:08]:

You know, I don't always have the energy to exercise, and I know that that's something that I can work on when I'm ready. But, like, this body has gone through a lot and it's still ticking and, you know, it's here for me. So I love that about my body. So those are a couple of exercises that I like to offer.

Krystal J [00:30:31]:

I love that last one so much. And it's really, it's not about turning a blind eye to all those things that you don't like and not addressing it. It is literally the opposite., right? And accepting all parts of you and accepting you wholly and honestly.

Krystle H [00:30:50]:

And saying, I am more than that. That might be a flaw that I see, but I'm much more than that.

Krystal J [00:30:58]:

Yes. And I totally relate, especially after having children, your body changes a lot. And that's something that I've, you know, kind of really had to work with within myself as well. But I'm definitely in that kind of same space. Like, my body has changed, but I'm so grateful for why it has changed, right? It brought me the most amazing family. Such a great note to end on.

Krystal J [00:31:23]:

Thank you so much for sharing those tips. Where can our audience find you and all the amazing things that you're doing, Krystle?

Krystle H [00:31:31]:

Well, thank you. Thank you for having me. This has been a blast, people. I like to keep it simple and I would tell them to just, well, my name is spelled uniquely. You can always find me on my website at But if someone just wants to send me a text, it's the easiest way for to me, like, yeah, here's where you can find me and such. So my phone number that someone can text me is 518-212-7417.

Krystal J [00:32:02]:

We love making it simple over here. Of course we'll link that website as well as her phone number in the show notes, so be sure to check it out. But again, thank you, Krystle, so much for joining us today. You've been an absolute delight. And again, I love everything that you're doing and I love the place that you found yourself in. It really is beautiful to witness.

Krystle H [00:32:24]:

Thank you so very much. I hope we get to talk again soon.

Krystal J [00:32:27]:

Oh, we will.

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